The Right and the Wrong.

Ani jani hai kahani, bulbul jaise zindagani banti kabhie bigadti tez hawa se ladh ti bhid ti.....han rahem han rahem farmaye khuda...mehfuz har kadam karna hai khuda....

Humming these lines by Amitabh Bhattacharya, I have again started the very familiar journey of emotional introspection...which will probably yield me my next blog post.

This time I have decieded to start with a very mundane line from the book alchemist....

‘When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true.’

Strangely enough today, I can’t appreciate the veracity of Coelho’s lines. And I know why can’t do so...I can’t do so because today I have exactly no idea of what I actually want out of my life. I am lost in sea of conflicting and entirely new emotions. On one hand my mind is differentiating between the wrong and the right. And on the other hand the woman in my heart is discovering new oceans of pure love, of innocent attachment, and of unadulterated happiness.

Is it possible to live life without categorizing events, feelings and emotions into 'the black' and 'the white'? Can I let the traveller in my heart to visit the newer and the previously non-existent kingdoms of human sentiments? What if I end up doing something unethical and something wrong? What if loose the most important object of attraction in my life?

Every morning my conscience puts these questions to me. I think about them for some time and then put them somewhere in the back of my mind and carry on with day’s events. But again as the darkness of the night brings the day into a close, these questions again confront me, but this time by a different source..This time the most irrational and the most illogical part of my heart takes the control. It appears as if this endless turmoil shall go on day after day and night after night. In the mean time I m doing strange things, am entertaining strange emotions and am drawing strange conclusions. And clearly, I have no idea as to which domain (i.e. THE RIGHT or THE WRONG) do these activities of mine fall into. I have a desire... I want to walk into my grave without any regrets. So I don’t want to do things that I should not and I also don’t want to miss out on things that I should.  

As I continue sail across the unruly and unfamiliar waters of life, I hereby make a confession....I M DAMN SCARED. At this point there are two I’s in me. One of it lives in the optimism of my heart and the other lurks in the scepticism of my mind.

I will now close this write-up with a praying heart.

O God.....please, don’t let me do mistakes. Hold my hands and guide me along the meandering ways of life. Make every unsure and wavering step of mine safe.
S.P
10th March 2011
Gandhinagar