Of Scars and Stories

The idea of writing this one popped up while I was lying on the surgeon's table and he was undoing the stitches on my nose. Amidst the agonizing pain and the pricking of forceps, I made peace with certainly realities that will form the subject matter of this piece. But before that I must tell you that stitches leave scars and scars are always impregnated with stories..an accident, a surgery or some disease. Well! This time it was a Dog bite. I share my work space with my very smart senior lawyer and her two adorable pets, 'Lupin' and 'Jamuni'. On that day, Lupin, a handsome Siberian Husk  who is  otherwise  a very quiet and a poised gentleman had his share of mind fuck and decided to have a bite out of my nose! After all the screaming, bleeding, injections and surgeries, the doctor told me that of course it was a bad wound….little chunk of my flesh was gone. But it will heal and most importantly, it will leave a scar.

A week following that I resumed going to Court. I took a cab to the Tees Hazari District Court. It was good forty minute drive. All along the way, my brain was divided into several pieces….one part was staring at my month old facebook profile picture with my blemishless nose. Other part was chanting the stupid fantasies that I had for ‘beautiful noses’….which would make me date men with beautiful noses or even fantasize with the idea of being blessed with a baby with a sharp tall and most importantly a beautiful nose. Then there was another little piece which reminded me that the last time I went to court I did not look the way I looked today. As the court approached….I shunned these thoughts and flipped through the pages of the brief. Eventually, I entered the courtroom, the matter was called out. The judge accepted most of what I said. Then he enquired about my name. I in turn handed over the Vakalatnama to him…which at the end of it read “Soumya Priyadarshinee, Advocate, G-2858/2014”. It ran a stream of empowered blood from nowhere into my veins almost instantaneously. This part of my identity remained the same as it was the last and before that time when I went to court. Just then it occurred to me that I may not look the same, but some intrinsic realities are ingrained deep within me that can never get altered…my way giving away everything to the ones I love, my way of chasing a dream over three cities and most importantly my way of trusting people and sometimes forgiving them. These traits make me.

And of the scar…In my own way I will seduce it to become my reality too. I don’t intend to undergo any further surgeries to fade it away. Instead I will wear it on my face and let it make its statement..it will testify my tryst with life and destiny and it will remind me that the name of the game is 'Resilience'. Of course, my affectionate mother’s repeated inquiries to the doctor regarding the severity of the scar are not meritless. The society in which I live may not be kind to me and she may have a slightly irksome time finding me a groom. But then even without the scar, some inadequate men I dated have often remarked to the order of “I don’t think she is pretty”, “You are just average looking” and incidentally I must mention last one who was euphemistic enough to tell me that “Soumya! You are moderately beautiful”. Thank God! By social convention my nameplate would always read:

‘Soumya Priyadarshinee,

Advocate, BSc. LLb(Hons)’

and not

‘Soumya Priyadarshinee,

Moderately Beautiful.’

The scar is mine like those million others which rest on my heart..they have built me each time I have broken or stumbled. And in a way have helped me champion each and every losses inflicted on me.

‘No Subject’

There is immense solace in being alone. I have found great comfort is ‘being alone.’ While this has nothing to do with the better-half question women in their late-twenties-early-thirties are flooded with, I am leaning towards the liberties that the mind can explore without being judged by vibrations of another person as being the real ‘being alone’ comfort. Sigmund Freud in Civilization and Its Discontents (1930) has at one point said we all find solace where we can, according to our varied lights.  

I have found great solace in letting my mind wander. I find greater solace away from prying minds. Of course, it’s a given how humans’ cannot live outside constant interactions. I have an amazing support group and a super-awesome me-dedicated advisory committee who provide unlimited time and unprecedented energy to listen to my numerous nonsensical ramblings. Of course, they are anything but the best. I have friends who have stayed with me for more than two decades – a commendable task, nevertheless. And I have friends who have dropped everything at the drop of a hat to hear my theory of the existence of Alien life irrespective of all the bull there is in it.

After having everything I have and surrounding myself with more, I still yearn for solace. Solace provided by the arbitrary exercise of an over-imaginative mind.  The need for solace has struck me more in the past few months. I have realized it is being alone that truly completes you.

I am amazed at how people color a negative image of one of the most positive words: alone. Alone for me symbolizes the exact opposite of loneliness. It the fulfilment of everything that comes together to complete you: a culmination of every conspiracy in the world towards self-realization of who you truly want (to be) and are not.

It is my travels that have brought me closer towards the realization of being alone without guilt. It is at the most crowded moments that i have most enjoyed the serenity and security of the overpowering feeling to wander away leaving my body behind. Places where i cannot be recognised or categorized or compartmentalized based on my profession or gender or the numerous other classification.

I have often questioned what makes people so distant from aspects like materialism, what makes someone give up all luxuries and live an austere life? Are they true to themselves? Is it all fake? Are they riddled with moments of self-doubt?  The exact opposite is also as fascinating. What makes someone want to amass wealth, or power? Why do people do what they do? Other interlinked questions linger. Why is there a desire to be accepted? What is so fascinating in being loved? Why the disgrace in lust? And most importantly, What makes my convictions so different from theirs? After decades of self-search, the answers seem closer. It is what solace means to you. Sometimes solace is personified in uncertainties and hardships and not only the worldly comforts that we yearn for. While these lessons are best reserved for the fag-end of one’s life, there is no harm in embracing the calm of the answers. Of course, this is not a life to be hurried. Then again, neither is it a life without end.

I have found solace in crowds without getting lost in them, i have found solace with chatty airline passengers, I have found solace in noisy streets.

I have found solace in the unfamiliar.

Solace, then, is not in the obvious. It is not in another. It is not outside you. It is not an illusion. 

This post comes from the desk of a very wise woman, Tania Sabestian. She happens to be the coolest professors in law school!!!!! When she was not busy in teaching legal concepts at GNLU, she kindly contributed to this little blog of mine!

The Game Changers

Blood spilled today also. Just that today it wasnt mine. It was a  corrupt and putrid liquid. It stained my crispy white shirt. I held my head high and walked out. And a loss was compensated. A disgrace was erased. A battle was won and a wrong was set right. I turned a page. I know that moment as 'the Game Changer'.

Tragedy

That devilish smile that had once ignited hidden desires within her, towered over her frail tired body. And then they shared a dialogue where only their eyes spoke. His were arrogant, remorseless and overconfident. Hers were numb and blank. He said "Woman I fooled you, trampled upon your heart and destroyed you. I won baby ....I won...I wonder now what do you want to do to me...infact can u even do anything?
She responded with solemn and the same blank eyes...'I will challenge every bit of your reality one day. And that will be the day when it will dawn upon you that I am your greatest tragedy'
She closed her eyes and drifted into a dark and dreamless sleep.
A nurse walked in and announced 'the visiting hour are over sir. You may leave now'.

On Another Day

It took a lot of strength to look at the shiny metallic plate that read room no. 156. She listlessly went in and finalized the draft for the meeting after one hour at the conference hall. On another day the plate was shinier. On another day she wasn’t alone. And  on another day, while she coyly walked out of that door, her lips were swollen, her lipstick was smudged she smelt of a man’s perfume. She continued reading…’Counter Claim No. 1: Damages directly arising out of the Breach of Contract’

The Wedding Dress

She was looking at her wedding dress. She had lost track of time, hours would have passed looking at that dress. She remembered how she made sure that every thread woven into that dress is perfect.  Her gaze was fixed on that orange-pink dress.

 So finally, he had left her and she didn’t stop him. All those plans, dreams hopes didn’t exist anymore and she was left with nothing. She had never seen him this helpless. A man so strong so capable was helpless because of her. She was the reason of his pain. A lot of things she could read in his eyes... a talon of guilt, a tint remorse and a fistful of helplessness. The man who had solution to her every problem was helpless because of her. She knew him so well.... in fact she knew him more than he knew himself. He came in her life and then there was space for nobody else in her life. And now he was walking away. The best she could do was not to stand between him and his happiness. She didn’t feel great about the fact that she was not his happiness. But then may be that was the price she had to pay something for loving a spine less man and that price had hit hit her, it hit her so hard that there were no reflexes left in her. Ad mist all the noises of her parents, she gently picked the dress and walked to another room. She didn’t not cry, tears had betrayed her, even words refuted. She was alone and was getting ready to tie the knot with a different man. She did not know how to feel about it.

This was not the first time she had encountered the feeling of  nothingness. Few years back, sitting on an old wooden bench in the gallary of courtrooms. She felt the same. She was with her little brother. She liked court, she didn’t know why, maybe because there were no other kids. She looked at her brother; he was playing with a  toy gun. Guns made him happy. Her parents were inside the chamber with lots of green papers.  She could hear most of the voices coming from inside. She heard “if it were not for the children”. It hit her;  it hit her so badly that she didn’t know what should she feel.  She felt nothing. She looked at her bother. He was pointing the gun towards her, she smiled and in seconds she was dead.

The man who made her learn to live again was no more with her.  She packed the dress thinking that if that eleven year old girl can take that bullet, she can definitely survive that dress and smile again. 

Living with Eve

I was going through a book named "100 Greatest Discoveries of All Time" and not to my surprise less than 10 discoveries (5 to be precise) have been considered as contributions from the Women folk.I was amused by the book's data and went into wondering how and why did 'Eve' evolved into busy- lazy gender while 'Adam' did all the greatest discoveries. If only Time Machine were discovered by now, I really want to trace back the evolution of human being.

Not after much thinking and just by my experience with women of my life be it my nani, dadi, mummy, sisters, friends and definitely crushes and exes, I would like to share my understanding on what went wrong with Eve.

Adam and Eve both were given equal chances to survive. But, The God who created both of them (who later was re-created by successors of Adam) didn't want to put same qualities, strengths and weaknesses in both of them.

He gave Adam more physical strength so he could protect both of them while he provided Eve with more emotional strength so she could bear the pain when anyone was hurt. Eve was supposed to take care of household chores while Adam got chance to bully other species. She evolved great multi- tasking qualities- she could reproduce, entertain and bear the pain simultaneously.

                               

It soon became inevitable for Eve to complain less and sustain more. She could sustain more pain than Adam and surprisingly care more. So, she became spouse at first. When more Adams and Eves arrived on this planet, her roles and responsibilities multiplied. During last 3000 Years, while Adam had been busy finding new ways to rule; making rules and then making another set of rules to follow the previous ones, Eve was busy accepting more pains- domestic violence, prostitution, sexual harassment,societal negligence and much more. She had to remain away from scientific thinking, ignore illogical and irrational discussions on kingdoms,politics and administration.She was considered too emotional to take strong decisions and education was definitely not going to bring anything good to her. Whenever she tried to refuse the rules- she was awarded with new ones like Purdah, Sati etc.

Dissatisfied by the awards, she defied more and more rules until even the God was surprised by her Transformation. She started asking for equal rights in the society, education, protection from Adam himself.

Educated Eve could use her emotional strength to her rejuvenate her mental strength. There is hardly any field now where Eve has not challenged Adam's capabilities.

                               

But, one thing that even she could not take away from herself is her ability to multi- task.In fact, in recent times it is more than evident, Eve has become a master of multi- tasking. She can simultaneously- drive car, talk on mobile phone, eat a burger, envy a girl on the scooter adjacent to her car wearing better dress than her while listening to new songs on the radio all the way long.She can work and can also cook, do the dishes, take care of her husband and children, and parents of hers and parents of her husband. And, she can definitely - reproduce and bear the pain simultaneously.Thus, Eve evolved into a person busy with things which Adam found lazy.

Bringing my thoughts to present situation, I take pride in living with Eve of today. Her greatest discovery has been to find the real potential embedded in her. And, I am sure she doesn't need any book to confirm that.

This Article has been penned by a very wise friend friend Abhinav Kshitij who when not busy in writing works with the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO). He can be reached out at: https://www.facebook.com/babakshitij?fref=ts