The Seduction of Time

Time has typical way to teasing us. Once it has flown away, it begins to shine seductively with myriad colours. But shrewdly, until then it lies dormant pretending to be irrelevant, despicable and meaningless. In other words, the present however drab it may be always comes up with some happy element once it turns to be past. And then like a mean enchantress, it teases you for having lost it. For example at a given point of time I was professionally and personally very dissatisfied. To get over the irritation I used to go on long drives.... Sit at coffee shops with a dear friend deep into the nights in a very beautiful city. But now that those times are gone I only reminisce about the pleasant ambiance of that pretty little cafe..the warm chat with that affectionate friend and wide and free streets of that lovely city. Being hopelessly caught in this monstrous present, I continuously long for that long lost time merrily ignoring all those irritations that I had experienced.

But to this there are exceptions. There are some patches of time which can never even pretend to be beautiful.....not even when they are long gone past. They maintain their uglyness with an even graph then and now. They give me a spine chill now as they gave me then. I didn't want to live that time then and I don't want live it again now. That moment when I was denied of what I truly deserved....that eternity when I lamented some massive betrayals by some thoroughly little men...that fine morning when I collapsed with a gut-wrenching pain and woke up in the hospital...that instant when I made a shameful mistake..that night when I slept with dark jealousy and hatred..there can be nothing beautiful about them. They came and thank God they went away. But these moments have made massive screaming statements..they stripped my soul naked. They showed me what kind of a person I actually am and what kind I person I always thought I was with immense superficial vanity until those moments had appeared. Only when life pushed me that far, did I realize that I may aspire to hard nut but I am actually like a coconut really hard....but only on the shell. I might fantasize being a minimally emotioned creature but deep within there is raging storm of feelings that only makes me hopelessly gullible. At the same time, these moments also tell me that in spite of having lived through them I am still breathing today and am still looking forward to breathe a tomorrow.

Therefore, whenever my vision about myself is hindered by mists of perplexity I go back to the dark brown pages of those peeving moments when my entire existence bled  profusely  on the face of excruciating ruthlessness. Deep in there, in I find my own precise image with all my lacunae and strengths. The real I.