Loved, Lost and Loved Again…..

Suddenly she looked at the date on her laptop screen. It said 11^th May 2013. Then she realized that it’s had been more than two years that day. Four days ago in that mad summer of 2011, she lived one of those few moments which she will remember as a dying person. She then decided to open a particular word document which had been sitting on her desktop perpetually. Items appeared and then got deleted but that special one remained unopened. Someday it was a project, someday an assignment on an internship or someday an important module for an exams. But today she read it once again. A riot of images danced in her mind. He was wearing a light green shirt and a black trouser……errr no…may be an off white one or may be it was just plain white; was it smiley on the surface of her hot Café Coffee Day Cappuccino or was it some other pattern; Vexed at her blurred recollection, she pushed harder. An utterly ominous question grabbed her by her neck.

“Were her memories losing the battle against time?”

Then she came to the end of the word document which was actually a copy of an e-mail that she had sent him on the same night.

“that shirt, ur hair, ur eyes...all of them belonged to me at that moment…that moment belongs to me..no can ask me spare it not even God.”

A part of her young and vulnerable heart laid naked in those words. How dearly she had loved him…with the strength and the courage that she knew she shall never again gather in her life. Suddenly things became very clear. His eyes were bloody red. He had worked all night and had left office at 7:00 a.m. that morning. His hair was all over his sweaty forehead. The contours on his neck only accentuated his sexiness. “Hi” he said after his surprise and happiness subsided. And before she knew, she had already beckoned lunacy. Of course she had met him many times before, but on that day he was her man, her love, her life. Greedily, she looked at him trying to capture each and every detail. By then she had realized two things. One that she would never live a second moment like that again in my life. Second, it was not going to last. If only she could immortalize that time. One man 5 ft. 8 inches, handsomely built and seductively voiced…..parts of numerous perfect men she had grown up adoring coexisted in that one mortal for her.

Years ago as a small kid her grandmother often gave into her importunate requests narrated her favourite anecdote before she slowly closed her eyes and went to sleep. Dramatically, she would begin “Long long ago in the far mountains of Himalayas was solemnized the wedding of all times.” Her half slept brain would picture everything her grandmother said; “You know on the day of the wedding, when Parvati's parents, Hamivan and Mena, arrived to meet Shiva. But alas! They were disgusted by his appearance and forbade Parvati to marry him. An ideal lover Parvati was determined to convince Mahadev to improve his appearance so that her parents would relent to the alliance. Tenaciously, she decided to pray to him for days without resting to eat or sleep. Ashutosh as he is apty named, his lordship finally understood he was indeed in love with the angelic Parvati. Amidst the great grandeur of colour and fireworks, he changed into the most handsome man anyone had ever seen. Shiva's new beauty coupled with his immense cosmic powers finally fetched the much awaited consent of Hamivan and Mena. And you know, since that day all hindu grooms dress up on their wedding day as Mahadev did.”As a little girl her imagination would sculpture a virtual form of Bholenath and with that imagery she would drift to her dreams. On that day, the finished sculpture stood before her. Charming! No other word could do justice to what she wanted to express. How she could have let him gone?

People fall in love at various points of their lives. But when a twenty year old small town woman falls in forbidden love……well it is just the beginning of havoc. At that age life is full of possibilities and nothing seems unfeasible. But now, two years later she is more rooted to the realities of life. The storm within her has subsided. She knew she had made a big mistake…may be an irreparable one….Two years ago, she fell in love. One year ago she lamented a massive betrayal and today she was trying to be a strong, not so gullible and independent woman. I can’t deny that large parts of her life are still struggling with the leash of questions that will never find their answers. Yet there are some parts which endeavor to fall in love over and over again with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons in the world just to be hurt again…just to be shattered again. But time waits for none. She had always lived life for the moment.  She was not ingenious enough to scheme things in advance…not then and not even today. May be someday  somewhere in these moments of sheer disgrace and desperation she would find a glimpse of her old stronger self….the person she used to be. May be someday she will find her within herself.