‘One of the reasons why we crave love and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness and shame and sorrow. But sometime feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find it again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you’- Shantaram.

Lately, my soul has been a battlefield upon which my reason and my judgment waged war against my passion and my heart. The war is over. I am standing on the battlefield.  Near me, lie the carcasses of my dreams, the corpses of my principles and the blood of my womanhood. Having lost everything, I don’t even have the audacity to look into the past. But the past is still attacking me with things that I have not done but I should have done. My heart wants to wail, but my voice fizzes out. My soul wishes to bleed but there is no blood in it. Today, I am trying to find the pain in me, so that I can cure it. But pain itself has blinded me.

All noises are gone. Tonight there is no voice in me which asks me what is right and what is wrong. Neither are there questions nor are there any answers. All that remains is a defeating silence. This silence brings with a story. It says “At first your integrity lost to the world’s charm, then your stupidity lost to world’s reality and finally you lost to life”.

A lost warrior loses everything. But in the end the war always gives him two things….the first being the liberty to opt for a sad demise, the other being the audacity to stand up again and prepare for the next battle. I have always made wrong choices. But now it’s time I make the right choice. I have no idea as to what is the limit of my endurance. I have no idea how bad is my destiny. But tonight I m fearless because the world may have gained everything it can, but I have nothing to lose. The next morning will certainly not bring any resilience or hope to me this time. Instead in the next morning I shall fetch myself with a promise….a promise of always protecting myself. I shall toil hard and learn to love myself again. This time there will be no tide that will toss me into the beach. This time I shall sail across each and every tide to meet righteousness and wisdom. My heart will now move through the fathomless silent water where no pain can hurt me nor can any pleasure make me happy.
Gandhinagar
20th Septemeber 2011
01:20 a.m.