life

This is certainly not the first time, that I m desperately trying to write my mind out. I have tried before. Maybe this time too, I will click on the ‘no’, button when I close this document.

It’s been twenty years and I m still trying to find out who I am. Well, this is not a new story. It keeps happening to all of us. Every day we wake up to find out a new person in ourselves. Sometime we even loose our old self while we go to sleep. These processes are nothing but the dynamics of life. ’Change’ that’s the moral of the story.

At 12:30 a.m,  in this dark monotonous night, I m up and am thinking about ‘nothing’, about ‘life’, about ‘future’. This is nothing but a change because exactly 10 years before, on a night like this, I think I must be sleeping peacefully on my bed dreaming about chocolates, school and friends.

But today let me write about my fears and insecurities. Because if I don’t and I go to sleep instead, i

know I will keep on thinking about it for the next two hours. I believe one needs a lot of audacity and courage to analyse one’s fears. May be in the darkness of this night I have found that courage. Maybe with the brightness of the next morning I will lose it again. Therefore without wasting much time let me get to the point.

I know its escaping. I know I should do something. I know it’s time. But I do nothing.

If at this point of time one asks me to define ‘Nothing’, I would say it’s the gap between fear and failure. ‘Failure’......even this word has changed. Ten years back failure was the just the name of a kingdom below the score of 40 but today, it is an ocean. It is a furious ocean ready to engulf kingdoms, lives and dreams.

So, this is it, failure.... the biggest fear of my life.  

I have heard people say that it’s the cowards and the fools who believe that life is puppet at the hands of luck. Maybe I am one of them. Because the next fear of my life is luck. Prima facie it’s just a four letter word. But sometimes these four letters can shape lives, build legacies, burry talents and kill dreams. When I was a kid, I was told ‘Hard work has no substitute’. It took me 19 years to understand what it meant. But as I understood this reality of life, I came across another truth of life. This time I discovered that life is not at all fair. My experiences tell me that its luck that eliminates fairness from life. May be that is why hard work and success do not always fall in love with each other. May be that is why the second always follows the first and finally may be that is why faithfulness is not always rewarded with itself.

Luck...sometimes it has brought smiles and sometimes tears...in any case I m afraid of it because it understands no reason or no logic.  

After thinking so much writing so much, suddenly I see a ray of light, a spark in the darkness of this night and the angels from heaven lay in my hands a beautiful word. This time it’s not a source of fear but it’s a source of hope. This time its resilience. Yes, 20 years of life have also made me familiar with another condition of life. Life may give you fears, insecurities, successes and sometimes failures too, but it never gives you the luxury of giving up.  My mother says if you ask a dying man what is his last wish, he will say ‘I want to live’. As long as there is life there is always a pursuit. Therefore I have decided not to give up this spirit of resilience. If life demands struggle, I will make sure I do that. If life demands patience, I will have it. I l take life as that hard to impress lover. Because my heart knows once I impress it will be mine forever and ever.

I thank, I pray, and I hope.